January 2011
29 posts
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We Interrupt Your Daily Dose of Vitriol for an...
From a reader:
“asking your advice, opinion, etc.. i am a freshman photography major at a fine art school, wondering what the eff i am doing. wondering why there is so many haters. wondering if i am living a pipe dream. wondering if i am wasting my time. worried i am wasting my money. even faculty at school say that “photojournalism is competative, are you sure you are ready for...
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Shooting portraits at F/1.2
Photojournalists love to shoot with their sexy fast prime lenses, wide open at f/1.2 or f/1.4. What, you think I’m going to spend that kind of cash and then just go all “f/8 and be there?” Fuck no. My lens says f/1.2 on the barrel and that’s where it stays. Locked down, baby.
All the best portraits are shot wide-open. That way you get to flip through hundreds of identical...
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Burst Mode
Is shooting between 7 and 10 frames per second ALL THE TIME necessary? Probably. You need to get that perfect shot, and shooting single frames might cause you to miss. But that’s not why we do it. We do it because it looks awesome, sounds awesome, and it feels like we’re shooting a machine gun.
Hell, you’ve got Dual Digic 4 Processors. Use ‘em.
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Judging Amateurs
Photojournalists judge amateurs. We judge you ALL.
Especially today, when you amateurs can pick up a DSLR and try to pretend you are a professional. You throw up a cookie cutter template blog and make a nice logo that says “So & So photography!” You do free “shoots” for friends. You take low-grade photos at parties and put up a album that says “Party Shoot...
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B&H and Adorama
Photojournalists love buying expensive shit. B&H and Adorama is filled with expensive toys that make any photojournalist’s heart go pitter patter. Loyal fans wait through the many Jewish holidays to be able to order their purchases online. (No shopping on Shabbat!? Oy Vey!)
But these Hasidic Jews at B&H really know how to seal the deal: Let’s bring these idiot...
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Layering
Photojournalists are the biggest fucking over achievers. They can’t just take a simple dead on photograph, they have to show that they can shoot through and around random objects too. Windows, mirrors and doors can also be used as cliché framing devices.
While many photojournalists boast about having the skills to create a beautiful complex image, many readers are left thinking, “Why...
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Gaffers Tape
All photojournalists know you’re not legit unless you have gaff tape covering all your fucking gear. We spend $20 a roll on that stupid shit and waste 90% of it by putting random strips all over our lenses and cameras.
Sure it’s awesome for it intended uses-ya know, like holding a bounce card on a flash or keeping a gel over a strobe, but do we use it like that? Hell fucking no....
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Showing off
Oh I’m sorry, overloading? There’s no such thing. If it was practical, we would carry a wheelbarrow with us full of equipment just to show those normal people with a compact camera how and what a real professional looks and carries. We have want to contend ourselves at any cost. Even if it means we’ll probably have a bad back by the time we’re 50… or 45. In some...
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Multimedia
Just kidding. Every self-respecting photojournalist hates the shit out of multimedia. We pretend to act like it’s “exciting” and “cutting edge” but really we all know deep down that it’s a pain in the fucking ass. Instead of focusing on making compelling images, editors expect us to get “nat sound” and use our time that we could be out finding...
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File Size
The bigger your file size, the better. If you’re not shooting in raw, have less than 18 megapixels and your memory card isn’t double digits, chances are you’re not doing it right. Never mind that you’ll end up filling your hardrive with rejected photos - when you head out into the field, you’ll know that yours is the biggest. If it isn’t well, you left your...
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Cursing Like Sailors
I think this is pretty obvious based on all prior posts.
Example of recent instructions from a photo editor during a calm, pleasant conversation: “Shit. Just knock that shit out. Nobody cares about the fucking ‘important’ people there We don’t need photos of those assholes. Just get a kick ass shot of the real fucking event and we’re golden.”
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International travel
Because any asshole can make a photo in his neighborhood. It takes a professional asshole to make a photo 4,000 miles away.
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Apple Products
Apple products. How many of us can honestly they haven’t had a wet dream about a 17 inch MacBook Pro with an i7 or an 12 core Mac Pro on a 30 inch Cinema Display? And yes I do need a Macbook Air and a fucking iPad in addition to my laptop. I don’t care if you think they’re useless. I’m a photographer. I “think different”.
—
Sent from my iPhone
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Lens Flare
Image from toothpastefordinner.com
Most of the time a lens flare doesn’t add any storytelling aspect to a photo, but who cares?
Does storytelling matter if a picture looks fucking sweet? I say hell no! If it makes the picture look fan-freakin-tastic, then why not always shoot into the sun or a light bulb or a strobe? Why are serious journalists always hating on it? Throw away your dumbass...
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Dating Other Photojournalists
Ever wonder why there are so many photojournalist couples? Because no one else can fucking stand to date us, that’s why.
Sure, there’s the inevitable power struggle, bitter jealousy and utter resentment that comes along with the relationship, but I think we all know that it’s better to date within the circle than outside of it. Besides, do you really think your non-photographer...
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Uniform of the Gods
Nothing says “I’m one talented asshole” like a sweet vest. Complete with mesh pockets so everyone can see your 32 gig cards that are full of wonder and talent.
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Getting Into Your Event For Free
Long lines? High ticket prices? Not for us. We walk straight to the front, flash some laminated piece of paper and walk right in. Half of the time, we wouldn’t be there anyways if we couldn’t get in for free. Pushing our way to the front, we snap a few wide-angles, pull out the 300mm and head straight to the beer garden. It’s all lawn chair, monopod and Blue Moon from there on...
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Shooting on Expired Film
If we’re gonna shoot film, why not make it even more obnoxious and shoot on expired film? Basically all this does is give a photograph crazy colors and different effects. It’s actually just an excuse to not use Photoshop to do the same thing because we would never make those kinds of changes in Photoshop… IT’S CALLED ETHICS GODDAMMIT.
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“There is no UNSUCK filter”
– David duChemin
Stop trying to make up for your lack of shooting talent in photoshop because it’s not fucking working. It doesn’t matter how many layer masks you add…asshole.
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Huge Egos
How many photojournalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One…and a hundred others to look on and say “I coulda done that.”
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Horribly Tragic Events
Nothing gets a photojournalist all hot and bothered quite like a gruesome car wreck or massive plane crash. They’ll skip dates just to sit by the police scanner in the hopes of hearing those sirens roar. While most people react with shock when hearing about tragic events, a typical photojournalist’s response is a flash of excitement, followed by the common phrase “Did anyone...
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“All the technique in the world doesn’t compensate for the inability to notice.”
– Elliot Erwitt
So quit bragging about shooting only on manual, you asshole
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Mocking Reporters
I mean they make it so easy! When a reporter comes in with “photos” they’ve taken on an assignment and want help turning them into a multimedia piece, they immediately open themselves up to merciless ridicule (because the photos blow). Or when a reporter comes up to the subject you’re photographing at an event and asks, “How do you feel about all this,” there...
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Alcohol
I’m surprised this one hasn’t been posted yet. Sure, all journalists are known for their taste for the drink, but I think photojournalists rise above the rest of the industry in their consumption rate.
Reporters are scared of each other and their editors, and drink Michelob Ultra in the J-Slums (Mizzou joke). Photojournalists don’t have to waste all that time in the newsroom...
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Coffee Mugs that Look like Lenses
Photo from photojojo.com
Want to have your camera, and drink it too?
http://www.canonmugs.com/
Photojournalists are extremist about keeping their gear safe, but think it’s cool to hang around town with a mug that looks like a $3500 lens. Make sure your car’s insured next time somebody breaks in for your $50 coffee mug. Your dumbass coffee mug.
-Submitted by Chelsea
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“Sharpness is a bourgeois concept.”
– Henri Cartier-Bresson
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2. Toy Cameras
The shit that photojournalists lug around in their top of line camera bags could probably make a down payment on a house (not that a photoj would ever settle down…psh). However, despite the sheer amount of megapixels, metal and glass they own, photojournalists insist on buying shit made out of plastic.
They say it’s an attempt to get in touch with the purer side of photography, but...
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1. Shooting Wide Open
The old adage, “f/8 and be there,” is dead. Long live shooting purely on f/1.2, because if you can do it, you might as well do it right.
What’s that you say? A lens isn’t at its sharpest when it’s wide open? Whatever. A picture doesn’t have to be good if it has bokeh. I think my ideal picture would be President Obama playing with puppies and small...